Dateline: Day 7
The army of the Republic of Texas was dealt several crushing blows today. The first was the report out of Canada that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police arrested, without incident, all 726 members of the 1st Alaskan snowmobile assault group.
These elite troopers of the Republic of Alaska’s army under the command of Alaska’s highest ranking officer, Lt. Gen. Todd Palin were racing south to join the Texas troop . Wearing sporty lime green and white camoflage and armed with the most current hunting rifles they were carried upon armored snowmobiles. Experts are still debating how effective a fighting force they would have been in the Texas terrain.
Alaskan Assault Sled
Republic of Alaska President Sara Palin issued the following statement, “I hope Todd is safe, and that the Canadians will treat him with the same respect that Republican leaders have shown prisoners in the past.”
When asked if she would send more troops to Texas the President had this to say, ” Wee-ell….. we cant get there without declaring war on Canada. Our fishing fleet can’t go that far because of the Panama agreement with the US, you know, that whole canal thing, also, we must keep enough troops here to defend against the Russians. I have been monitoring them closely from my living room and I am confident that the 101st Moose Hunters Division combined with the 302nd Tactical Airborne Wolf Hunting Brigade will provide a sufficient deterrent against a Communist invasion of Alaska”
In addition to this loss, the volunteer forces of the Republic of Georgia movement lost their inspirational leader today. Declining to comment himself, a doctor took the platform for Maj. Gen. Newt Gingrich and read the following statement: “I wish to say that General Gingrich cannot serve in the military due to emergency medical reasons. His wife is ill and he must find a new one.”
McCarthy Ministry of News chairman Rush Limbaugh said of Gingrich, ” He is a good Catholic and this is his fourth divorce. I am sending him some of my private stash to ease his pain and make sure he has favors for dates.”
Meanwhile in Texas, the atmosphere at the 5000 strong camp around the Alamo is tense. The Brothers of Beck are going from fire to fire in their white hoods and robes. They are wailing and shedding tears as they whip their backs with thorn studded ropes. They are hoping thereby to calm nerves and sooth the frightened children.
Republic of Texas President Rick Perry was candid with this reporter, ” I know we are in a tough spot just like our revolutionary ancestors. You may look now at my troops and see worried faces. Show those same faces tonight after the rally and they won’t look worried. I remember being a cheerleader at A&M and I can still get a crowd going. We will have a guest appearance by first cheerleader G.W. Bush then a performance by Toby Keith. The ceremonies will close with an editorial sermon by his holiness Glenn Beck and the Brothers of Beck. You can look at those same faces afterwards on FOX because the whole thing is being covered by Sean Hannity.”
As of this report there has been no statement from the White House. However, according to his spokesman President Obama is very busy working on the seating arrangements for this year’s White House Memorial Day celebration and dinner where he will host all living Medal of Honor recipients. As it stands now there have been several failed Republic of Texas attempts to take over local Wal-Marts as well as rumored plans to attack sites like Fort Hood and Fort Bliss. Republican forces have taken control of several VFW Buildings in hopes of utilizing their decommissioned helicopters and tanks as well as receiving technical advice.
Local, state and federal law enforcement have the situation contained at this time, though military bases and the national guard are on wing nut alert.
General Todd Palin's command vehicle is pictured above at a RCMP impound lot.
I hope you saw some humor in this. I find our current state of affairs more than a little alarming. The way some Republican leaders are talking is akin to if not actual treason. I call on all concerned to remember Lincoln’s statement: “A republic divided shall not stand” . I am forced to ask: Where were you when the Bill of Rights and the Geneva convention were shredded? Did you stand by when you knew these people were committing torture?
Brian L. Vaubel
